[Be warned: this post is written with tongue in cheek and should be read as such.]
I want y'all to think for a minute. What girl hasn't wished for a beautiful song to be written about her? A song dedicated to her timeless beauty. A song extolling her many virtues. A song she can call her own. Ahhhhh, a song envied by all other girls. *long, slow, and deep inhalation followed by a quick exhale*
I have dreamed of that kind of song for myself. Alas, there are none to be found. Oh, sure, there are those songs that make mention of Superman and Lois Lane, but that doesn't count. I can't call them mine - they were not written FOR ME. *Chanting: I must not allow bitterness to settle within my heart. I must not. Also, biting my fingers in exaggeration like they do in the movies, closing my eyes, and turning my face away*
Cheer up, friends! I may not have a famous song written about me, nor for me, nor even vaguely hinting of my effervescence and style. But I do have this one thing . . . Amorphophallus titanumi. *Aha! Bet you can't say that. Literally!*
You may be asking, "What is Amorphophallus titanumi?"
You may be saying, "Why, that sounds AMAZING? I wish I had one!"
You may even be a LIT-tle bit jealous that you don't have one of your own - exclaiming, "I want one! I want one, too! And I want it NOW!!!!!" *stamping your feet and adopting a sour expression*
Relax. I do not wish for you to remain in suspenders. Uh, no, I mean in suspense. I will now reveal what Amorphophallus titanumi is. It is a flower. But wait! It is not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill flower. This flower reaches heights of 7-10 feet and has a diameter of 5-6 feet. This floral beauty is one of the largest and rarest flowers in the world!
Actually, it is quite a "celebrity" among the plant community, *taking on a deep, braggadocios radio voice and a smug appearance with one eyebrow lifted slightly higher than the other as I slant my head to one side like a cockatoo while continuing to speak* AND she is affectionately referred to as "Lois." (Don't you wish you were me?)
Check out this photo.
This specimen is on display in the Cockrell Butterfly Center at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. *Ooooh's and ahhhh's* She is quite the diva. My sources tell me that she was expected to be in full bloom over the weekend between July 9 - 11, 2010, but she hasn't done so as of the writing of this post. People are FLOCKING from all directions just to get a glimpse of her. She is being blogged about. You can watch her grow live on web cam. She even twitters! Yes, all eyes are on her. The crowds are out of control! Amorphophallus titanumi . . . Lois fever has hit the great state of Texas. Dare I say . . . the nation, as well?"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! With such an exquisite, priceless, and rare flower as this bearing MY name, I say, 'Who needs a song written about them?' " *In case you didn't get it, this laughter and question are to be read as if they were malicious, taunting, and umm, what's that word? Oh yeah, boastful.*
TIME OUT/CUT/STOP THE PRESSES: Uh, this is kinda embarrassing after all the hoopla I have tried to generate about Amorphophallus titanumi . . . Lois. After I probably made you feel really sad that YOU don't have a rare flower named after you *Nanny, nanny boo boo!* After I laid claim to such awesomeness *Avert your eyes! I have not given you permission to look upon me.* And, after I sorta left out some important information regarding her COMPLETE NAME and description *Well, of course Officer, I saw the speed limit sign. Ahem. I just didn't see YOU.*
Oh, don't get me wrong, everything I've said about her is accurate, but do you see those three little dots between Amorphophallus titanumi and Lois? That's called an ellipsis. It is a mark showing an intentional omission. In other words, I left something out on purpose. I left out the words, "Corpse Flower." And, did I forget to say that along with being one of the largest and rarest flowers in the world, she is also one of the SMELLIEST. *P. U.*
Okay. So now you know "the rest of the story." As you can see, you really DON'T have anything of which to be jealous. I've misled you, this is true, but I am still without a song. Are you satisfied now? Huh? You who probably has 2 or 3 songs of which you could call your own. *Who's smug now? Yeah, yeah.*
I should've said Amorphophallus titanumi: Corpse Flower "Lois" right from the start. But I didn't. *making a really dumb, sarcastic "duh!" face with crossed and bulging eyes* We all know what a corpse is. Sooooo, in short, this flower (whose description as defined by the Oxford American dictionary is a dead body) shares my name. Now tell me, how romantic is that? Oh, and did I mention that when this Amorphophallus titanumi Corpse Flower "Lois" blooms she is gonna smell like the grave? *Yum-O!* Can you believe the masses are just DYING *pun intended* to bombard their nostrils with her stench? They are waiting with great anticipation, and they are actually PAYING to be able to do so. There is no limit to their devotion. They've even made buttons and T-shirts to commemorate the occasion! Oh, don't believe me? Well, I have proof. Just look for yerself, kiddo.
*I bet I could find a super cute jacket on which to wear that "I LOVE LOIS" button.* =)
Looks like the gig's up. I knew you'd find out sooner or later. It was fun while it lasted, though. Haha!
Well, I hope you got a laugh or two at my expense. If not, and you are sitting there . . . just sitting there . . . don't worry. Be happy! You'll be your normal, stuffy self any moment now. And hey, for all you plant lovers, curious people, and folks with nuttin' better to do - you can learn more about this unique flower by checking out the links below. See ya and thanks for stoppin' by! =)
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