Your vocabulary should have a groan by the time you finish this!
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.
9. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
10. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. A calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
25. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
26. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
28. The bakers' jobs are crumby, but they knead the dough.
29. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
30. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
31. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Showing posts with label BLOOPERS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BLOOPERS. Show all posts
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
A CHUCKLE 4U - "Mushroom Mayhem"
A group of friends wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize and play games. They decided that the lady of the house was to prepare a meal. When it came time for Hank and Lydia to be the hosts, Lydia wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive, so she told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."
Hank asked, "Why don't you go down into the pasture and pick some of them there mushrooms? There's plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eatin' them, and they're okay."
So Lydia decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Lydia watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Lydia even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Uno and Rummy. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Lydia's ear, "Ma'am, Ol' Spot is dead."
Lydia immediately went into hysterics. Hank explained to their guests that there was a problem with the evening's meal and that medical help was necessary. Then he called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas, and pump out their stomachs. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Lydia, "You know that feller that run over Ol' Spot? Well, he never even did stop!"
Hank asked, "Why don't you go down into the pasture and pick some of them there mushrooms? There's plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eatin' them, and they're okay."
So Lydia decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Lydia watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Lydia even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Uno and Rummy. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Lydia's ear, "Ma'am, Ol' Spot is dead."
Lydia immediately went into hysterics. Hank explained to their guests that there was a problem with the evening's meal and that medical help was necessary. Then he called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas, and pump out their stomachs. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Lydia, "You know that feller that run over Ol' Spot? Well, he never even did stop!"
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
FREE LAUGHS
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| "In-bread" Cat |
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| I just LOVE blonde jokes! |
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| I love dry humor. ;) |
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| Hey, Look! Even the little smiley face doesn't look too "hot." [Pun intended.] |
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| If dogs could talk. |
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| Why men should not have action figures. |
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| "OO-RAH!" |
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
WHAT TIME IS IT?
I've just been informed by one of my children that it is, "1, 2, 3, 4." They said they just love that. Haha!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A CHUCKLE 4U - "T-Shirt Slogans"
"I don't know what makes you dumb, but it really works."
"Do not disturb. I'm disturbed enough already."
"Buy me things and I'll be nicer."
"If at first you don't succeed . . . skydiving is NOT for you."
"If you can read thank a teacher. If you can read in English thank a Marine."
"Join the MARINES! Travel to foreign places, meet exotic people, and kill them."
"Here I am. Now, what are your other two wishes?"
"Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers."
"How do I block you in real life?"
"Annoy a liberal - get a job."
"I don't skinny dip. I chunky dunk."
"I can't wait to procrastinate."
"I'm confused, oh, wait a second, maybe I'm not."
"People like you are the reason people like me need medication."
"I know I should lift weights, but those things are HEAVY!"
"If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him, is he STILL wrong?"
"Don't make me violate my probation."
"Don't steal. The IRS hates competition."
"I know karate, and like, two other Japanese words."
"Cleverly DISGUISED as an adult."
"Sometimes I wonder, 'Why is the frisbee getting bigger?' Then it hits me."
"I never finish anythi
"Do not disturb. I'm disturbed enough already."
"Buy me things and I'll be nicer."
"If at first you don't succeed . . . skydiving is NOT for you."
"If you can read thank a teacher. If you can read in English thank a Marine."
"Join the MARINES! Travel to foreign places, meet exotic people, and kill them."
"Here I am. Now, what are your other two wishes?"
"Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers."
"How do I block you in real life?"
"Annoy a liberal - get a job."
"I don't skinny dip. I chunky dunk."
"I can't wait to procrastinate."
"I'm confused, oh, wait a second, maybe I'm not."
"People like you are the reason people like me need medication."
"I know I should lift weights, but those things are HEAVY!"
"If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him, is he STILL wrong?"
"Don't make me violate my probation."
"Don't steal. The IRS hates competition."
"I know karate, and like, two other Japanese words."
"Cleverly DISGUISED as an adult."
"Sometimes I wonder, 'Why is the frisbee getting bigger?' Then it hits me."
"I never finish anythi
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A CHUCKLE 4U - "Warning Labels"
I finally figured it out. As I was washing my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I AM IN SHOCK.
The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body clearly says, "For extra volume and body." Why haven't I noticed this before?
Tomorrow I am going to start using Dawn dish soap.
It says right on the bottle:
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
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